I dont know about any of you mom friends out there, but this blog entry from my favorite blogger Rebecca Woolf of Girls Gone Child, is pretty dead on for me. Especially since the twins were born (well, since their pregnancy really...).
To be honest i have had to battle through some depression over the past year that i just chalked up to being postpartum or hormones or both. I didn't get that way after having Liam so i am not sure, but if i had to bet on it i would say that's probably most of it.
I think i have always been prone to mood swings and depression, since i was a teenager. My wild child and hard partying days way back in the day probably didn't help the matter. I wonder at times if any of that past drug use damaged me in such a way that it may still effect my emotional and mental health now.
Who knows. Probably, but what can you do about it now, right? Cant dwell on the past, learn , grow, get stronger from it and keep on keeping on. I don't want to go to a doctor about it because all they will do is want to give me meds and i am not down with that. Would rather feel a little bat shit crazy for a while than NUMB, any day of the week.
I have been feeling better the past few months but it was really rough for a while. Days that i felt like i was just....drowning. I would be fine one minute and then something would happen, usually something small, and it would be a domino effect into a pit of just.......ugh. i dont know what to call it. A lot of crying, feeling sorry for myself, feeling confused, unsure, desperate for balance.
I still have my "moments". Its been a combination of postpartum, hormones, and the initial feelings of what we are going through with Liam, which i have embraced now with an open mind and and open heart. mindset with that whole thing is basically that- crying does him no justice. Besides, he's happy! that is our goal, to make sure he is just a happy and loved kid. and he is. My method of moving forward with it all, is educating myself so i can be able to provide him with the best possible outcome in life. Isn't that what all parents want for their kids anyway? I try my best not to fall into a pit of unknowns and what ifs and what then's because #1 its pointless and #2 its pointless. takes me no where but down. I am recognizing my thought "triggers" now and do my best to avoid those thoughts. Anyway, then throw infant twins in the mix and ...well....its just a little overwhelming sometimes. Then I feel guilty for feeling sad, or whatever, because our life is pretty good. It really is. Liam is a beautiful and amazing boy. My angel! And the twins are precious. I have an amazing husband, who loves me to death. So what is there to be depressed about I ask myself over and over again while I am having a moment and sobbing ( lol ).
(((Side note: Jason. He's a solid man, let me tell you. My rock. I dont know what i would do without that guy. There is no one on the face of this planet that knows me like he does, even from before we were a couple and he has loved me through it ALL. I Love him. Adore him. Even if i haven't been doing such a great job of showing it lately. I will get back there babe, WE will get back there, very soon. )))
I have had moments and still do, where i look in the mirror i don't even recognize myself sometimes. Like, i have lost my individual self , lost the sexy doting wife self, the fun friend self, the motivated and creative self, the independent/get out there and do stuff self....and all that's left is mommy. mommy mommy mommy. Well not ALL the time but lately, most of the time.
So, WHERE did ALEX go?!?!?!?!????? I NEED her! Whats it going to take to get her BACK, on a 24/7 basis?!?!?
I am on a quest. A quest to morph my new mommy self, my wife self, and ME, together into a new and improved and even MORE AWESOME SELF.
Tomorrow when Liam goes to school i am going to head out with the twins and our double stroller and we are going to go for a nice long walk. I am going to start planning my garden for next year, I am going to go get my eyebrows done this weekend, dye my hair and am going to give myself a mani pedi sometime this week. I got so busy taking care of babies that i have been forgetting (or just plain old exhausted) to take care of myself.
(((Side note #2: we watched Our Idiot Brother the other day which is hilarious....i love paul rudd....and there is a scene in it where the 2 sisters are talking to the 3rd sister about her husbands infidelities and the 3rd sister is in total denial.... Anyhow, the 2 say to the 3rd, "what happened to you? You had a kid and ....what happened to you?? You used to be so....HOT." An internal bell went off in me and i was like holy shit, thats me - minus the cheating husband thank god - right now. I even said something aloud in that moment, in question form to jason and he wasnt even able to say no with a straight face. LOL! So EFF THAT. that is NOT going to be me dude. for real. And i know that "being hot" isn't like the most important thing in the world. But it is a little important. You know what I mean?)))
I will be involving a date night for Jason and i at least once a month and some ME time (whether its going off on my own to run errands or meeting up with a friend) somewhere in the monthly mix too.
And more sex. Right? Because why not? I am just going to, even the times when i dont really feel like it, because its important. It helps us stay bonded and close and jason deserves to get more booty. lol . Plus i cant get pregnant anymore so, even better! Besides, my thinking is that at some point very soon my hormones and crazyness will start to balance out and i will wanna do it more anyway. Sex is good exercise and a mood enhancer too. So its a win win!
(TMI? oh, well. Sorry mom!)
There a bunch more stuff but i will not bore you with the little this-es and that-es. lol
I refuse to spend anymore time pretending i am "ok". The rest of this year will be about attaining balance within myself again and knowing that i will reach that goal sooner than later. I have such good vibes about the remainder of this year and 2013 is going to be even more amazing. Because i said so.
Ii am too young and have too much life in me still, to feel like a lump of poo ANY of the time.
And if I want to satisfy my soul, i have got to make it happen for myself.
".....I'm happy inside....allllll...allll....of the time......"
Love and Light,
A
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